Gertrude in the main is awesome. She loves Mitch, he adores her, she is quiet which was a prerequisite seeing as I've stayed in hotel rooms that are bigger than our house and we both work from how a few days a week, and she was affordable. However she is a strange puppy and her points of reference and understanding on life can be shall we say left of centre when comparing it to ours.
We really started to take note of the differences when she arrived one morning in tears. Apparently her husband had come home with his mistress not knowing she was still there as she had the day off. Not nice. Her way of dealing with it? To fast until 12 everyday as that would help show sacrifice, but also to put on weight as African men like big women and she's too skinny. Well first off from a blokes point of view I can tell you that if Kim wants me to take an interest in her, not that she has to request it but if she did......there are a few ways to get a red blooded male like me to do so and not eating until lunchtime or doubling her body mass index are not two of them. Secondly in all the years I've been reading books on nutrition nowhere have I ever read "if you want to get fat then we suggest you don't eat". Funny that, and I generally find a burger pie and six pack of beer a day will do the trick though.
We then come to some Gertrudeisms
- Mitch needs to crawl or he won't be good at maths. Ok so my sons chances of becoming the next Stephen Hawking rest solely on whether he shuffles on his hands and knees? If I'd known that 37 years ago I still wouldn't be walking and would be a genius!
- the reason Mitch has stomach issues is because Kim didn't eat enough chocolate while pregnant. Right ok, ladies go eat some snickers bars right now or be in trouble later
- Mitch farts a lot because he doesn't burp after every feed. Has nothing to do with his chronic gastric medical condition and three intestinal bacterial infections then?
- "Dan where're Kim and Mitch?" "At hospital" "what they have been at the clinic for three days, yoh the queue must be very long there, next time go to mine as I only wait four hours" oh the mind boggles
- her kids schools fees are 500 but her flat costs her 1.2 and her cellphone cost 2.4......took a while but I now know that to make life easy we drop the thousand from everything so 1.2 is actually R1200 makes sense I suppose
The list is endless and gets added too daily, much like the extensions in her hair. The main thing is though that she is lovely, she and Mitch are best mates, and we wouldn't be without her. It's just her outlook on life is slightly different to ours ans sometimes this can actually be fun!
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