My sons bowels love our car

For some reason or another our dearly beloved son has taken to only operating his bowels while in our car. This affliction has developed in the past week and is becoming somewhat of a nuisance.

It goes like this. Nothing but clean nappies for days, decide to go out to lunch at a place with a very public car park and at least half an hours drive away, or to test drive a new car, or to a friends for coffee and within five minutes Amazing Grace is being played by his lordships bottom and we are opening the windows. Of course by the time we get to the destination the car, and us, kind of smell like a dirty nappy. Then we have to do a quick change in full view of passing people in the boot of the car or on the backseat, followed by me walking around with a nappy bag looking for a suitable bin.

Now why he has started this trend is beyond us. I thought that it was my driving but then he did the duty while Kim was driving. Then perhaps he didn't like the ride of the car, but we then bought a new one and he christened that on his second trip so we are at a loss.

The other thing that we think it might be is that he hates leaving home for some reason, or perhaps he is just vindictive, he never opens his bowels on the way home but only on the way to our destination where he knows we could have some changing issues.

It's also not like we feed him before we go out, or that we always go out at the same time, no it just seems to be totally random and constant.

So the choices, we either don't go out, ever, and have a constipated child, or we do got out and find the most private parking spot we can and pack plenty of rubber gloves? I think it will be the latter somehow.

Bottoms up!

Consolidating as a parent

Before your bundle of joy comes along you are told by everyone and anyone that your finances will fall off of a cliff face the second they come along. For the most part you ignore this as you have probably saved and prepared, we certainly did. However there are some things that just can't be prepared for. Things like.

- school application fees before they are four months old

- medicated formula because they cannot tolerate standard formula, or any food at all in our case

- medicines and general medication

- time away from work due to doctors and hospital visits

These soon create a drain on finances. In our case Mitch needs a special formula which costs 9x the price of normal formula, or one third of my monthly take home pay, plus he has been on prescribed medications since he was born. This has meant that all of our buffer savings have disappeared and credit cards used liberally. Now in talking to other parents we are not alone in this. In fact it appears quite common if not the norm. Plus we haven't even added school fees yet.

To cope as parents we have had to enter a period of financial consolidation as it is no linger a choice not to. How parents do this obviously varies depending on their own situation. However this is how we have approached it.

- make packed lunches to stop us buying lunch and snacks at work

- buy good quality coffee beans to grind at home as this prevents the urge to "pop out for a coffee" at the weekend

- invite people over for dinner rather than meet them out, if we do go out it's for breakfast not evening meal or lunch as this is generally cheaper

- down graded our cars but to newer cars. Both had 5+ year old big engined cars and traded them for one year old smaller cars. Same monthly repayments but cheaper to fuel and insure and also three to four years of minimal maintenance costs

- buy groceries online as this prevents temptation to buy extras

Now all of these are small things but soon add up. We unfortunately have also had two of our three dogs die since Mitch was born and we haven't replaced them as it saves on vet and food bills.

Interestingly there are a few things that we have not cut back on. These include;

- gym memberships and running club memberships - both of us need exercise and this is what we term our "sanity tax"

- Satellite TV - yes it costs a lot but is an unwinding mechanism that we do use

Over and above this we have looked for ways to increase our income streams. I now contribute to www.nutripaeds.co.za as their daddy blogger, it doesn't pay a lot but it does help and was unexpected as I wasn't expecting to be paid. I have also doubled the amount of images that I have on various stock photography sites and have secured some event photography jobs on the weekends. Kim is busy expanding her service offerings in her company www.resm.co.za. Again small things but when put together as a consolidation process it all adds up.

For us the process has been one of enlightenment in a way and one that we will continue to follow. The benefits have been reaped and will continue to be reaped. How are you consolidating? I'd love for you to share your thoughts 

Seven top tips for surviving a hospital stay with a child

Unfortunately for us Mitch has had a pretty rough start to his life. This week has seen him being admitted to hospital for the seventh time in his eight months of being on this wonderful planet. I won't go into what he has and why he's been admitted so many times today, I'll save that for a future post, but I do want to share my top tips for coping when your child is in hospital as we have learned so much.

I base all of the following on the fact that one parent needs to stay in hospital with the child overnight as this is the point of reference we have and is common for young children and babies. We also have one child so accept that this is easier than if you have more than one child. I'm sure that these tips could be adapted though.

1. Its going to be tough accept it - stating the obvious I know but the sooner you accept that its going to be tough for not only the parent who is staying in hospital but also the one "home alone" the better. Acceptance is a great way to move forward, and you will be home as a family again soon.
2. Create some sort of routine quickly - as the stay at home one we find that with all the doctors checks and nurses shift change overs me being there early morning isn't really that useful. What we find works is for me to come late morning early afternoon and stay later. This means I can keep up to speed with work but also means that I am there to support when things are getting frayed around the edges. Which brings me to.....
3. Try and create some normality for both of you. By me only going to visit later it means I can work, do some exercise, walk the dogs etc. Then by me doing an afternoon shift Kim can do some work, go for a run, catch up with friends for coffee, or even come home for an hour or two and walk the dogs.
4. Give the stayer a break. Being stuck in a hospital ward is not pleasant so give the parent staying in hospital a chance to get out. Often they will refuse, however the space offered is always welcome
5. Make home cooked food. We are lucky our childrens ward has a small kitchen with microwave oven this allows the stay at home parent to make a "normal" dinner or lunch and bring it to the hospital for the other parent. Not only is this healthier but its also cheaper by far. It also keeps a sense of normality as everyone loves a home cooked meal over a hospital dinner or take away.
6. Make friends with the nurses. I cannot stress this enough. So often we see parents who treat nurses as quasi-slaves or personal servants. Bad move. Yes they will be professional and do their job but that's it. We have always made a point of finding out their names (its on their name tags so not hard to do) and calling them by it, buying them a chocolate bar, offering to make them tea or coffee, or just finding out more about them. It pays off believe me as when we go into hospital now we have a relationship with them and they are more flexible with visiting hours, or looking after Mitch while we have a break. Stuff that can make a huge difference to your experience
7. Don't force people to come and visit. We learned very early on that some people hate hospitals and will do anything to avoid them. This is ok. The people who want to visit will and those who don't won't. On the converse you don't always want to be entertaining visitors and just want to be left alone. This is ok and totally natural, you will find a balance.

So there's my seven top tips for surviving a hospital stay with a child. As I said its not easy but you will get through it and everything will be ok. Trust me!

Looking at my role in the first seven months

Out little bundle of joy recently turned seven months, and for some reason it got me thinking about
what my role has been during this time. It’s an interesting question as I had always been of the belief
that I wanted to be a father and not a sperm donor. That unfortunately flies in the face of the popular
belief that “dads get involved from a year onwards”. So truly what has been my role?

Well for a start Mitch was premature which meant I was involved from the word go in ICU with feeding and changing, I had no choice and wouldn’t have had it any other way even if I had a choice. Then we hit a sensitive issue, breast feeding.

Unfortunately my wife really battled with breast feeding and even expressing, this is more common than we like to believe. For us though it was seen as a positive as Kim wasn’t the only one involved with feeding. This had two benefits;

1. Kim got a break and sleep as we could share the load with me doing the nighttime feeds or we could rotate them. The value of this cannot be stressed enough especially when your budle of joy is on three hourly feeds

2. I got to bond with and be a part of Mitch’s life from the word go. This is a small thing but invaluable to him and I still feed today and typically do the first feed in the morning at around 4:30am before heading to work and various feeds at the weekend. It’s a time that I enjoy.

Of course there are the day to day things that I have been involved with such as bathing, unless totally unavoidable I am home for bath time as we have made it a fun family time. Changing nappies, comforting, playing are all taken care of as a team so we jump in and work them as a couple.

Within the day to day activities I have found that there are certain gender specific roles that do take place. For example comforting is definitely a “mommy thing”, I tend to crush him without realizing it. On the converse of this certain elements of the fun stuff like launching him into the air, playing rough and tumble, yes even in the first few months, I am better able to do.

However in looking back I have seen that my main role actually hasn’t been anything to do with Mitch. My main role has actually been supporting Kim especially as we have had a sick child. The both emotional and physical support given to the mother sometimes overlooked as a major role in the life of a child. This support doesn’t necessarily mean being a councilor, far from it. It means being there for them, reinforcing that they are the best mother your child could ever wish for and then doing the little things.

Little things in our house include; cooking dinner each night, running the odd bath, taking Mitch for a walk after work to give Kim some space, likewise on a Sunday morning so she can have a lie in, sending her off for coffee with friends, so on and so forth.

So looking back yes I think I have played a key role in my sons first seven months but you could argue that I have potentially played a bigger role in my wifes life. It’s something that you don’t often think about.

The Issue of Language

Earlier this year I had to go to Head Office in Europe for a few days and while I got a lot of value from the meetings I had the one real lesson I got was around language.

Being a born and bred Brit and living in an English speaking suburb with an English speaking wife there is only one language that we ever use, English. So imagine how inferior I felt while having dinner with twelve of my co-workers from around Europe I discovered that the next least lingual person at the table only spoke three languages fluently. What was worse though was that I then discovered that they were only talking English because I was there. That certainly made me sit up and take notice. For the record the most lingual spoke six languages fluently and could get by in eight.

Upon getting home it raised a serious question. If we are to raise our son in a way that he is prepared for a world that does not yet exist what do we need to do? More importantly do we have an obligation to learn two more languages ourselves so we can teach him? If so which two?

The fact of the matter is that education levels are on the increase worldwide and business is truly global so it is fair to say that being mono-lingual could be a severe hindrance in twenty years from now. So now the choice. French has always been seen as a good language to learn, likewise German. However if we look at the current developing economies would Mandarin and Spanish be better options? How about Urdu or Arabic or Portugese?

The final question then comes do we as parents have an obligation to make our son as global as possible even if this means moving countries or even continent during his school life. This then becomes a discussion of does a formal education in one country help or hinder his future chances in life vs life experiences and diversity of outlook? This is then well above learning a language and a valuable discussion to have. We know that the formal education system is not the be all and end all that its made to be but it is essential none the less.

The fact comes back to an original question “what do we as parents have to do to prepare our son for a world that does not yet exist?” There is no right or wrong answer to this unfortunately so we must make the best choice that we can at the time.

Certainly food for thought.

The Challenges of being a parent

Parenthood is tough let’s be honest, it’s also great and a joy to experience however it does come with
many sacrifices and changes that you are never fully prepared for. Things like;

• Scheduling exercise for you and your spouse – who does what when, who looks after the kid, who does what races, which races do you do based on now having a kid in tow
• Who goes to work late, who comes home early – the nanny isn’t always on time so this takes some adjustment
• Socialising over breakfast rather than dinner – this seems to work for us, also cuts costs and means we tend to eat healthier at night
• Cash flow management – the spare cash you had now goes on medical expenses, formula, nappies and medication, and hired help. Its very easy to get depressed very quickly about the sudden lack of cash
• Lack of free time – by nature I tend to value solitude, time to focus, and quiet. Having a child changes all of these. While it is great you are never ever “off the clock” when you are a parent. There is always something to do, a game to be played, nappy to be changed. Yes its fun but it is the toughest part of being a parent for me, especially not being able to have an afternoon snooze at the weekend after a tough week

How you manage these changes is really down to you and your spouse. Communication as with many
things in life is key, as is making space for the other. We find that by me doing my exercise during the
week frees me up to have dad time at weekends while her majesty gets in her long slow runs. Noticing that the other is tired and taking his lordship for a walk to the park also really helps. Money though is always an issue, there will always be sacrifices and things to buy. No more new iPads or camera toys, its nappies and formula now.

We seem to be coping, we both enjoy being a parent and wouldn’t change it for the world, it just take a little adjustment that’s all.

My sons found his lifelong best friend

The "pleasure maker", the "happiness stick", the "pork sword", "your bit", or simply "penis", whatever you call it is one of the unique things about being a male and in the past week, aged six months my son has found his.

When I say "found it" I am not implying that he ever lost it you understand I am simply inferring that he has discovered its existence much to Her Majesty's horror. As men we know the comfort factor that our little friend brings us, grabbing it is the first thing most men do upon waking up and its the last thing we probably touch before falling asleep. Its a multi functional tool too. We remove bodily waste using it, and we get our good ladies pregnant using it, finally according to many ladies we also tend to think with it most of the time. Men understand all of this, women sadly don't. Ask a man about his thoughts on his penis and watch a warm glow appear on his face, ask a woman her thoughts on her breasts and get ready for a slap. Its what makes us different.

So when bathing young Mitchell last Monday night you can imagine the difference in reaction as he reached down and gave it a good old tug. I had a proud father moment, and next to me was a look of shock especially when he grabbed it for the third time and smiled broadly as he had done so on each of the prior occasions. "Yes my boy you have realised that you are a man!"

Now in talking with friends over the weekend it appears that a little boys fondness for his little boy does not go away and if anything increases through toddlership. The mother was still mortified as she explained the frequency of touch and pull, the father and I shared a knowing nod of the head, Her Majesty rolled her eyes back as if to say "so this is a glimpse of our future", yes my dear it is, so best learn to roll with it......

A toast to being a man!

  

Travelling Father

As part of my so called 9-5 I have to travel quite a bit and the past few weeks has seen this really come to the fore. First of all I had a week at HQ in Belgium that saw me away for four nights, two of which were on British Airways. Then five days later I headed off to Dubai and Saudi Arabia for nine days. Back to back trips that were certainly not my choice but had to be done. There are some interesting things that one learns and that come out of such trips though so lets go through them;

• Leaving is always the hardest part not only for you the traveler but also your spouse. I have found that its best just to be dropped at the "drop and go" section of the airport and get it out of the way. I also generally take Kim out for breakfast or lunch if the nanny is around
• The first flight is tough but once you land you get into the swing of things. The same seems to be true of your spouse. I have also been on the other end of the traveling arrangement and the sooner the stay at home spouse can get into a normal routine the better
• Technology is great. I make a plan regardless of time zones to FaceTime or Skype at least once a day and back this up with calls and sms's. Maintaining contact is key
• You will miss little steps if your child is young like mine. This is normal just be sure that you celebrate them when you get home
• Coming home is tough, adjustments will have to be made. The stay at home spouse will generally have gotten into a routine and this changes with your routine, accept this. Meanwhile I generally find that after international trips involving over night flights it takes me two to three days to recover. Unfortunately you just have to accept it and find a way to deal with it yourselves as there is no one size fits all solution.

Ultimately more than anything trust plays a huge part in the relationship with your spouse. Trust that the traveler will call, be ready to answer calls, show respect to the stay at home spouse. Trust that the stay at home spouse will do their best for the child but call if they need help or an ear.

Traveling away from a family is tough, but is also a fact of life these days. How you handle it is up to you but can be a lot easier than hard if you approach it the right way.

Lowest common denominator or challenge to be the best?

Yesterday I had one of those flights that you want to go on forever, you get someone in the seat next to you that you just want to chat to for the next few hours. Unfortunately for me this was a 50min hop from Brussels to London as I made my way back to Cape Town.

The topic of discussion was excellence vs mediocrity at schools in the UK. The person I sat next to was saying that at Sports Days in UK schools there are no longer any winners but instead everyone gets a medal for participating. Seriously!! It seems that it is stretching beyond the school field too. So the discussion revolved around reducing everyone to the lowest common denominator vs supporting our children to aim to be the best and it was deeply concerning.

As a parent I want my son to have the best and work hard for it. As an adult I am acutely aware that the general rule of thumb is effort in, results out i.e. if you work hard you should in theory be a success and reap the associated rewards at everything you do. I learned this at school. While during sports days the other kids had had a shower by the time I finished a 100m running race when it came to the swimming pool it was a role reversal as I loved swimming and grafted hard at it. So I learned that effort = rewards, that you cannot be No1 in everything, failure is a fact of life and how you deal with it makes you stronger.

So by hearing that there can no longer be any winners and that everyone has to be a winner so we don't harm a childs self worth is alarming to me. It also seems that the shrinks have taken over schools.

The question for me as a parent and adult is this. What do I want the 25 year old version of my 6 month old son to look like and become? Its a deep question and almost hypothetical question as anything is possible. However I, along with my wife of course, can right now build serious foundations that will stand him in good stead. For me, through our actions we have to teach him the effort in = results out equation without any doubt. If mummy trains hard, eats right, and sacrifices she can run Comrades marathon and win medals at the Masters Nationals Swimming Championships each year. Daddy by working hard, giving his all, sacrificing his own time can have a successful career and be a winner there i.e. if you apply yourself you can achieve. Through this of course will come failures and a second equation comes into play; failures = failure if not reacted to correctly i.e. you will fail, accept it, but deal with it and turn it into a success.

So the real question is "are we doing more harm that good by bringing everyone down to one level rather than showing all that there are winners and loosers in life but the only loosers are those who don't learn why they lost and react to it correctly?" Deep I know but I prefer the second part.

Parents engage with your child!

The other day I had a meeting at my second office also known as Vide e Cafe at Belevedere Square with a supplier. While we were having said meeting both of us became distracted at the lack of engagement between parents and child.

Now being a working parent myself I understand the concept of being on call 24/7 and I appreciate that work doesn't really care for half terms and school holidays but please if you are going to spend time with your children then at least engage with them. I'll explain why.

Case one - +/-4 year old child sat eating a cupcake while fixated with a kids tablet while her parent was immersed in her iPad and had zero engagement with the child

Case two - parent spend the whole thirty minutes on their phone walking around the cafe while the child desperately tried to get their attention by following them. The poor kid was told on more than a few occasions to "sit down and behave" ummmmmm right

Case three - baby cried in her pram for ten minutes non stop while her parent ignored her and was totally engaged with Facebook on her phone

Now for sure I don't know the full reasons for such lack of interactions but it still shocked me. What are we teaching children? what are the examples we are setting? Surely this time together would have benefited both parties through interaction with each other, creating and maintaining a bond and sharing some quality time?

My worry is that we have become so obsessed with our devices that we are forgetting about the little people right in front of us that in my humble opinion are so much more fun to play with.

So now Kim and I have set a new house rule while Mitch is still young. If you are with him the devices are off and on silent in the case of the phone. We had him for a reason and the best gift we can give is to make sure he knows he is loved and that we want to spend time with him. Devices can wait, our sons life cannot

Rant over!

My son has his own health team

Kids are spoiled these days I'm convinced about it. Let's look at communications, sit in any coffee shop and every three year old and their dog has an iPhone 5 and can be heard asking their parents for a 6, I have a 4 and am happy. When I was growing up we had one fixed line and I had to beg to use it. Kids!

Now I come to healthcare. Here I am aged 37 and I have a GP who I might see maybe once a year if he's unlucky. I also have a physio that I occasionally see if I've overdone the running. And finally a chiropractor who whips me into shape when I've screwed my back up by over exerting myself by say mowing the lawn. Now I come to my dearly beloved son Mitchell aged almost six months.

Mitch, bless his cotton socks that never stay on, has a full team of healthcare practitione looking after him and it costs me a bloody fortune and a day a week of our time. First we have our rock and his best friend Hedi the Paediatrician. Legend of a woman and first call always. Next on the list is the nursing sister Penny who happens to be the sister of Robyn one of the ward sisters at the hospital Mitch has spend too much time at. Next on the list is Anna his chiropractor! Yes not six months old and he has his own chiro. Finally we have the latest addition to the team Kath the Paediatric Nutritionist who by the way I blog for at www.nutripaeds.co.za shameless plug but hey this is my blog......

We see each of these fine ladies once a month and are in almost weekly contact with them. Does he realize the financial or time cost? I swear to god he must think that he's the son of Brangelina! It's crazy. When I was reading the definitive guide to being a parent I got the impression that babies sleep, eat and crap in no particular order. Boy were they wrong because if that was the case I'd still have money and zero medical bills, perhaps I should offer to rewrite the book?

Oh just to make things even more fun Mitch as started to teethe so I'm just waiting for the Paediatric dentist appointment and bills to enter my life.

Seriously, seriously seriously how much attention does the man need!

The moment it arrives

You know there really are some things that you can never be prepared for and becoming a father is one of these things. One minute you are a family of two the next you are three. Becoming a father means different things to different people, to me it was a moment of responsibility, of standing up to be counted. To others it's a deeply emotional experience. I never had that wail with joy experience, god dammit I'm British! Stiff upper lip ole chap!! What I did feel though was a deep sense of love for Kim my long suffering wife. Together we are in this until we die now so our love needs to be stronger than ever.

Unlike many we went for the sun roof option of birth rather than pushing it out of the trap door. Ours was a health decision to ensure the safety of Kim who had had a shocker of a pregnancy. Being totally selfish as a man I preferred the sunroof option as it to me seems more controlled and predictable.

Of course out came little Mitchell Corey Edwards kicking and screaming, a happy little chap then! Being six weeks premature he was whisked straight off to icu, so was Kim who had an epidural due to her being allergic to most pain meds known to man.

The day was mostly a blur and a rush, however the evening was long as I celebrated with way to many cool drinks to remember much about it. Being surrounded by joy and my closest friends was simply awesome and now the journey starts.

A lesson in business

For those of you who physically know me you know that I'm a Marketing manager when I choose to actually work, and for those of you who don't physically know me well I've just told you what I do when I choose to work. So for me a lot of the fun with this pregnancy has been the unexpected business lesson I have received. In all honesty if someone had said that I'd get an MBA in Marketing just by her maj having a gluten free bun in the oven I would have belly laughed at them, but its what I'm getting and I expect to pass "cum laude" at this rate.

On our first trip to the gynie we are presented with a "congratulations package" with our sizable invoice. It contains a photo album from a stretch mark oil company (thanks Bio oil), a pack of Pampers nappies, some baby wipes (ideal for me to mop my brow when decorating the baby room), a hand towel, a bunch of discount vouchers, and some sponsored guide/how to books.

That weekend we head to do our monthly grocery shop and are stood positively crapping ourselves (pardon the pun) in the nappy aisle while we compute how much we'll be spending on shit disposal for the next few years when a delightful young, and not unattractive, sole approaches us. "Are you expecting?..... great what sex is it?.... oh you don't know, well here have one of each...." and presents us with blue and pink branded photo frames, thank you Huggies.

We then head to Baby City, which as an aside I have made the beneficiary of my monthly salary payment as I figure it will save my bank account from acting as nothing more than a middle man. It was the same thing, we bought one pack of nappies but came out with enough stuff that we needed a trolley.....each! More freebies than the opposition get when playing the Stormers at Newlands.

On top of this Dischem have given us a baby bag packed full of goodies (Clicks are too tight apparently), and our Medical Aid company Discovery have done the same which now explains why they can only afford to pay out 10% of the so called "medical aid rate" every time my dodgy knee needs a little nip and tuck. We are literally overburden with free useful stuff that until a few months ago we didn't know was useful.

Now where am I going with this you cry. Well lets get to the point. In the short time "we" have been preggers my office has been turned into a warehouse of branded goods that we have not paid for and by doing so "we" (royal we you understand) have decided which brand of pretty much everything we will be buying, sorry Huggies the cheap plastic photo frames were just too cheap for her maj's liking. And this is the point. As a pregnant couple you are seen as a total cash cow that is prime for a dammed good milking every day of your life henceforth. So what these very clever people know is that if they get you now they own your back pocket going forward so what they aim to do is cruise missile you from the get go and I love their thinking. 

Now if only I could find a pregnant person to bombard with prison fencing......devil child that needs locking in a room anyone?

The fetal test

We just hit 12 weeks pregnant which means its time to go and get everything checked out at the fetal clinic. As no surprise to anyone this cost, a lot, but like the rest of the expenses is required. I have a feeling that this will be the story of the rest of my life.

So the big thing with a fetal assessment is that its scary as hell. I mean until now the worry has been "lets get through the miscarriage danger zone" and at 12 weeks you are kind of over that hurdle and relaxing a bit. Now comes the fetal test where you find out if it has downs syndrome or any other major defects which lets be honest is scary.

So after being given a statistics lesson, which we passed apparently, it was time to take a peak. Its like a second hand car AA assessment "a comprehensive 144 point check where we look at the water behind the neck, blood flow, arms, legs, make sure the body is functioning. And theres more......we can see if its a chic or dick!" Ok lets just say that even if we didn't want to know the sex you would have had to have been wearing a blindfold not to see that appendage "thank you grandad!" I even had it measured, 10% of his overall body length! Can't remember much else about the assessment as I was too busy trying to work out that if my bit was 10% of my 6ft 4ins length how long it would actually be, I quit doing the maths before I reached the conclusion that I would just make myself feel inferior due to my current girth and what it could be.

So the rest of the test, well her maj tells me it was all good and that he was touching his toes, bastard I can't even see my toes these days let alone touch them, and he was doing a happy dance. My other vague memories are of how bloody impressive the technology is. Seriously this stuff is immense. Seeing the blood flow in your snot gobblers brain, counting ribs, seeing the kidneys empty the bile, well its spellbinding.

I fully woke up from my semi-haze of course when we had to divert a mortgage payment to the receptionist to pay for the assessment. I have a feeling we might not be the most generous on the Christmas present front this year. I also get the impression that I might not get any camera equipment but a load of baby clothes. Oh joy to the world.

It's real

So its official and its real we are most definitely pregnant, by we I mean her maj is pregnant and I look like I am, but either way there is a kid in there. Well we say kid but right now its more a kidney bean with a heart beat but apparently its a living child.

So we headed off to the gynie, lovely lady, who upon meeting me said to her maj "Jesus luv you picked a biggun to have a kid with!" Charming. We got on immediately. So we saw it, its a small thing and nothing much to right home about but for the first time reality kind of hit. Its all well and good having a piss stick to tell you that you're expecting but there is nothing more real that actually seeing the little fella or felless.

Right off the bat its been decided that her maj due to her back op is not pushing this thing out so its an elective sunroof delivery probably two weeks before due date which means mid May. Seems a long way off but pretty sure it won't be.

One things for sure the little blob doesn't like its mum being hungry, its a case of "get hungry, vomit your guts up" for her maj so far, having a feeling that it could be like this for a while. Don't know whats worse, the pain her maj goes through wretching her guts up or me being woken up by the noise of her doing so at 2am every day and then while I'm eating my scrambled egg breakfast. Either way its not pretty. Aint parenthood grand!

It's a miracle!

Not three weeks after being informed of my golf balls shooting nothing but sawdust a miracle happened! Her Maj being a few days late with her periodicals decided to bite the bullet and piss on a stick. Low and behold the second line appeared, cue a look of shock, then delight, then "oh fuck I better call the gynie and get a blood test".

So while her maj was off giving blood I sat there in bewilderment about how the hell that happened, and decided to go and buy a lotto ticket, I lost but seemed to win the lottery that is getting the missus preggers. Her Maj arrived back with another piss stick and the first medical bill of many, drunk a pint of water and had another squirt. Two lines again, two hours later the blood work confirmed that we were expecting.

At this point your mind goes into over drive, first thing hug, look at each other then hug again, then once more for luck. Then to call the parents and siblings and super close friends, of course its all super quiet, top secret (well discounting that Obama and co probably know about it by now due to phone hacking).

Time to hit the interweb to devour anything and everything, first 13 weeks is miscarriage prime time so buy cotton wool and wrap her maj in it. Names, oh shit what shall we call it, check the bank balance, bugger why did we go out for dinner last night as we can't afford that now we're preggers. And that is the first aftenoon, panic, joy, panic, crap yourself, joy.

Then you go to bed, look at each other, and say "we did it babe" and feel a bond and love that you have never felt before, and life is good!

Masculinity test

So after two years of giving it the best of British the time has come when her maj has decided that I need to get my swimmers counted. For most of us chaps this brings a gasp and our testicles hit our tonsils at the thought of being a non-man, I mean we're men how can we fail to produce off-spring? The sad reality is that in 2013 a lot of us can't due to the food we eat, the stress of modern day life, and the fact that many decide that a perfectly good way to spend our weekends is sat on a rock hard saddle and peddle our little hearts out for several hours thereby crushing, bending and slapping our bits. Yes chaps one in four of us might not be as manly as we like to believe.

So the fateful day came. Off her maj went to work and left the specimen jar and a list of not exactly romantic instructions. "See this? point your bit at it, shoot your load into it, and make sure you get it at body temperature to the lab within an hour." Simple right?

Well first things first you have to fill out the form and the jar with your details and sign a declaration that you haven't so much as looked at the missus in five days. With that you're ready to go. Now where to do the deed, don't want to mess the clean sheets up so its off to the lav you go and sit on the throne. Your body at this point thinks you are there for another form of relief and lets a few liters of methane escape. Great start, not. So now to get excited. Suitable reading material? not so much as a dog eared Readers Digest to find something remotely erotic in. This could take a while.

Finally after almost reinventing fire and having the onset of friction burns your bit springs into life and realises its time to play ball. Now you're going full steam ahead and grab the specimen tub only to find that a woman has obviously created this test as a practical joke as the tub is the width of a pin head and you have to shoot a load at it. They obviously forgot to include the instruction that army snipers need apply for this test. And kaboom you fire Apollo 11 into the tub but get half of it over your work pants and shoes and hand, fuuuuuuuck!

Now the clock is ticking on your hour so as quick as you can you wash up, change shoes, change pants, kick the dogs out, put the pot in your top pocket and throw on a skiing jacket to keep it at body temperature and you're off. Into the car, heaters on full bore, and cue the Italian job driving exhibition. Into the car park at the hospital, a quick sprint into the labs packed waiting room sweating bullets and are greeted by a nurse "can I help you Sir?" hardly able to muster a grunt it is apparent what you are there for and she acknowledges this "oh you have a semen sample sir, give it here please, yes that looks like a good sample" and promptly puts it under her arm while "taking down your details". With that you pay your money and leave totally stripped of any pride and go on your merry way.

Five days later you get the news, plenty of swimmers, just the wrong ones, you just don't have enough of the fertilising ones, oh shit time for fertility treatment.......